To Bid Thee Adieu

弱者

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犹记得学期伊始那个拔掉四颗智齿的午后，只身一人顶着麻药办完手术手续，开车去药房取药再回家。鲜血和唾液流淌不止，为了三天后与新一批学生初次见面不至于牙龈肿痛口齿不清或面目肿胀羞于见人，只得不断换纱布敷冰袋。口中的腥秽令我不住作呕，无法进食休息或做任何事。

心如刀绞的我已经麻木，毋须开启止痛药瓶，只是独自安静地坐在床上。一夜复一日，像被埋葬的一具恶臭的陈尸禁锢在棺木中，静静等待死神召唤复苏。

那个时候我却没有泣不成声。

现在已经难以忆起那二十四小时的思绪，仿佛除了情感以外并不曾受过体肤的煎熬。经过度日如年的最后几个月，大约我将也会淡忘自己曾经坚强过，曾经无奈无力无助过，曾经竟可以那么失望决绝，而无可救药地熔化在哀恨的挽歌中——正如我过去义无反顾地迈向远方的坟墓。

拒绝弯路，却终于走投无路，唯有嗟叹难得糊涂。

怀疑

我心中有一把留给自己的尺，用来衡量自己的一切行为，只希望能做到无愧于世人，不至于沦落到鄙夷自己。人生中的每次的失误，这把戒尺都可靠地鞭挞我的良心，使人自责，催人自省。

曾经很少怀疑自己。但太多的争执，太多的回忆，太多的痛苦，令人意志薄弱，立场松懈，思绪混沌。开始怀疑，每天都在怀疑自己，我的坚持有没有意义，我的表达是不是痛彻，我的决定够不够理性。依然坚信理性会指引我解答这些问题，然而现在的我所残存的理性已经不足以对这些微妙的问题给出肯定的正确答案。

甚至开始怀疑，陪伴自己十余载的这把尺是否真的公正准确。即便我仍然可以对愚昧大众不屑一顾，但却无法忽视来自深爱的人的竭力谴责，字字句句蚀刻在心上，像一座写满了控诉墓碑耸立在心头，以其不朽见证着未能走入坟墓的爱情的幻灭。我已然无力为自己辩护。

我在怀疑中挣扎。方才隐隐发觉，或许比起害怕丧失自我，更加害怕的是失去对方。

醉

一醉方休固然简单，但醉醒了又如何呢，犹记得两年前上次喝醉，晚上醒来竟得以相见。两年来的每一点一滴现在忆起都不堪回首。一切无法再重演，何况至此也已毫无意义。

想忘记这一场恍惚的梦，但醉易醒，梦难醒。很惭愧我终究也有做不到完全理智的时候，只因这是我唯一的痛处。又有人真的懂吗。

结束了

还是没能捱过第三年，最可怕的结局还是发生了。与伴侣之间的沟通竟可以产生如此多的矛盾冲突。或许根深蒂固的分歧早就注定会分开，只是我一直在自欺欺人，不愿臣服于现实的挑战，倾心向往童话中的幸福。

然而并不是所有努力都会有成效。理性的缺失使问题屡屡重演，当妥协无法达成，在暴戾的脾性面前，真爱是多么苍白无力。那个通情达理、深明大义的她已不复存在。一切无可挽回地走向悲哀的深渊，未能阻止我恨自己无能。

所有人都羡慕、祝福我这段美满的恋情，可惜灰飞烟灭的那一刻，历史只是成为一片朦胧的海市蜃楼。

想哭却没有眼泪。

Mac Frustrations and Thoughts on Apple

Two months ago I was asked to install Windows on my girlfriend's MacBookAir4,1 (11-inch, Mid 2011). This is a long overdue post on what a nightmare it was.

Before going into anything, I have to say [1] it's a huge pain in the ass trying to find useful support information on Apple website. Just like their products, the website is a piece of shit. There is no way to specify the model and find all relevant resources for the model you own. All the following procedures were done by following Apple's knowledge base and other articles online thanks to Google.

The MBA comes with EFI support. At the time the latest EFI firmware was from years ago and clearly outdated. Despite the countless threads out there complaining about audio issues. I decided to try it myself anyway. As expected, [2] installing Windows 8.1 in native EFI mode resulted in no sound, for which there was absolutely no fix. (Now there is a new firmware out, a "security" update. I don't believe that it solves any real issue.)

Apart from malfunction of audio chips, [3] the display wasn't working, either. After installation was finished, the Windows desktop turned into a completely black screen upon logon. The solution is to go into safe mode, manually delete the display driver, and restart. This will only get the desktop back.

Since EFI = no sound, and BootCamp = sound on MBA, there is only one alternative I could try - BootCamp. [4] When you create an installation USB media with BootCamp, the progress bar never indicates the real progress. It's simply stuck at the same place forever. Well, not forever, until the creation completes.

What sucks about BootCamp is that it imposes a minimum partition size requirement when you create a secondary partition for Windows. [5] The free space reserve for the primary OSX partition must be at least 8GB. That's 8GB space downright wasted out of 64GB total, the stock SSD capacity. I would not accept a 12.5% drive space loss.

How about adjusting partition sizes after BootCamp installation? I installed Windows 8.1 via BootCamp following all requirements, and shrank the primary partition using GParted Live without actually moving any data. [6] But OSX couldn't even load - displaying nothing but a question mark in a folder. There are some instructions on how one can try to fix the boot problem; I didn't get it working. (Update: seems to be a widely known problem with a fix.)

When downloading OS recovery via Wi-Fi, I closed the lid to do other things. When I re-opened it, the screen stayed black. [7] Apparently the MBA froze or went into sleep and couldn't wake up. Forced shutdown and had to start over.

When reinstalling OSX, I tried making the primary partition as small as possible, in order to leave maximal space available for Windows. At 13.01 GB the installation allowed me to proceed. However, [8] after a restart it said not enough disk space, additional 60MB needed. Bet you didn't know - OSX requires different partition sizes as you go through different stages during installation; the installation fails in a later stage even though it has confirmed enough free space in an earlier stage.

What a fucking stupid piece of shit. Above numbered are the issues encountered in the entire process in the order they occurred. A total of 8 simple things went wrong when one simply wants to recover OSX, adjust partitions, or install Windows.

The series of frustrations is extremely consistent with my prior experiences with Apple products. For example, the iPod 5th generation which saw its buttons break repeatedly after numerous repairs and died all of a sudden and never turned on again thereafter.

In the last decade I fail to recognise any merit in Apple's hardware or software. It always pains me to watch a world of ignorant trend chasers constantly fall for their smartass marketing and substanceless novelty only to get the some of the shittiest products out there. To me, Apple represents the worst performance, cost-effectiveness, workmanship, customisability, design philosophy, and business practices among major manufacturers. The closed ideology has persisted throughout its lifetime and meanwhile utterly disgusted me over all these years (and I'm sure the open source, overclocking, and gaming communities).

Well, fuck the hippies that worship Apple and the root of evil and closedness.

Terrible Experience with Comcast

The "terrible experience" posts may well turn into a series...

I've had Comcast since 2011 in TN and MA except for one year. The overall experience is consistently terrible. Here are some reasons for never choosing Comcast as your ISP (or provider for any other service).

1. 250GB/month data cap for Xfinity internet plans. For my household the data usage is around 1-3TB/month. I had to switch to business class to get rid of the data cap at my old residence back in TN. Luckily this nationwide data cap is suspended in MA. 
2. Switching service plan is never smooth . Xfinity and Business Class are two independent departments. Even though the service always comes through the same cable lines, I had various issues when switching from one to the other.
3. Moving is never smooth, either. If you move to another state, be prepared waste days and months for them to get the billing right, as a representative is only able to deal with things within the state, and is unable to manage or transfer your old account in a different state.
4. It is incredibly difficult to get the refund to which you are entitled from Comcast, especially when it involves your old account in a different state. Representatives are not helpful in locating the old account and checking final bills and balances. Any service centre you visit or rep you reach over the phone will tell you they are unable to do anything, and when they say there will be a follow-up, there won't.
5. Service reliability has always been an issue, regardless of location and service class. Service can be down for all kinds of reasons, from inclement weather to construction accident to "scheduled" maintenance.
6. Never any notice for downtime whatsoever. If maintenance is scheduled there is no reason not  to give prior notice to customers in the affected area. If you call the support line, occasionally the automated phone menu will tell you there is an known outage. You could, of course, call customer service to request a reimbursement for the downtime, but the reimbursement amount is only $2 or $3 which is not worth your time.
7. Cancelling the service? There is a 60-day prior notice policy. If you don't notify Comcast two months earlier, you have to pay for two extra months. This clause is not in the contract you signed, but in a 18-page ToS to which your contract links.
   
   This is the point where I came to the conclusion that Comcast is total bullshit, because I never had any issue cancelling my service with any utility, phone, or internet company. Even one of the busiest logistics/moving companies in the country scheduled my service in two weeks.
8. When a business class contract is about to expire, Comcast renews it automatically without ever asking you. If you signed up for Xfinity online and the OK rates lured you in, the rates automatically go up usually by 40% after the first year.

During the one year when I did not have Comcast, I had RCN instead. The service was more reliable, affordable, and speedy. The only problem was RCN's coverage, or in other words, Comcast's monopoly in Boston area. Most cities north to the Charles River have only one ISP that is Comcast. The Boston area is loaded with outdated infrastructure (cough, the T, cough). Lack of municipal-level fibre networks makes perfect soil for monopoly of evil cable companies. The pathetic thing is, we the residents have no other choice but to feed them.

So, support your regional ISP while you can, if they provide decent service and competitive price.